IMHO Installment #5: HR People Are Evil

 

Fuck, I'm mad today. So mad, I even made *two* asinine Photoshop pics instead of my normal *one*. This next one represents me shouting the word "Fuck" so loudly that it reverberates throughout the cosmos. (And, I don't need any of you science-types lecturing me about sound in a vacuum. Not today, anyway.)

 

 

Today, I experienced the worst HR-related fuck-up of my career. Motherfucker cost me a bundle, my friends. A bundle. (If you're a level-headed HR person, then I'd truly like to hear from you. Drop me a comment and prove to me that HR folk aren't universally malevolent.)

 

In this case, I met with the HR Directum first. I knew going in that the consultancy would be looking for one of two distinct types of people (either of which I'd have been happy to present myself as, if only I knew which type they wanted). So, I asked.

 

"Well," the dude pontificated, "we've had both types in here. Two marketing people ago, we had the first type (more strategic / high-level in nature), and most recently, we had the second type (more hands-on, let's say). We're clearly looking for the latter here."

 

Whew, I thought. That's a hot bit of info to learn early on. So, when the next, more important guy came in (and the first guy left), I made damn sure that all of my questions, answers, anecdotes, etc. demonstrated superlative hands-on abilities. Really rolled up the sleeves, climbed down into the trenches, man.

 

Now, sure, I could've fucked up a number of other parts of the interview. But, as for my having the right kind of skill set, I thought I nailed it. I really did.

 

Well, I nailed it alright -- nailed it right up onto a cross and crucified my chances of landing that outrageously high-paying gig. My inside source emailed me this morning. To paraphrase: "They wanted a high-level, strategic type -- not someone so hands-on ."  Well, fuck me.

 

Now, I've been through this incompetent HR shit before.  Really, I thought I had the issue mastered. Prior to today, I'd have offered only the following pearl of wisdom:  Do not ask any complex questions to the HR people. They're just gatekeepers and don't really understand the business for which they're hiring.  

 

I knew that much -- learned it a few years back. (You see, the second worst HR-related fuck-up of my career happened because I asked questions too complex for an HR person to understand.  As a result, I never got an audience with the guy who'd have understood the brilliance of the question I'd asked -- and it was fucking brilliant, though you'll have to trust me on that.)

 

So, now I've refined that lesson:  Not only should you not ask any complex questions to the HR leader, you should also not base any future behavior on anything they say. If they say, "We like go-getters here at ABC Widgets" and you next meet with the ABC prexy, do NOT position yourself as a go-getter. Instead, verify what the HR dolt said first.

 

That's where I fucked up, folks. Cost me a six-figure job.

 

(It just would've spoiled me, right?)