IMHO Installment #18: Garth Brooks Probably Isn't Guardian of a National Treasure or the Bones of Mary Magdalene

 

 

Someone found my blog recently by Googling whether Garth brooks is a member of a Masonic order. I doubt that he is, even though Garth seems pretty weird to me. (Sorry, I ABHOR country music, so I'm not very familiar with Mr. Brooks.)

 

Let's face facts: Masons are strange. They were probably cool back in George Washington's day (back when, I suppose, they actually practiced masonry). But today, they're just weird. (I ranted about them ages ago -- here.) Though I'm largely unfamiliar with Brooks, I'd say he's ostensibly strange enough to be one. But, let's hold off judgment for a moment. I'd like to point out the following known facts regarding Masons:

1. According to the movie National Treasure, Masons are responsible for guarding an unimaginably enormous trove of ancient gold, jewels, and artifacts;
2. According to Dan Brown's bestselling novel, The DaVinci Code, Masons are involved in guarding the location of Mary Magdalene's bones (Magdalene being not some two-bit whore, but the true wife of Jesus and mother of his children, no less!); and
3. Masons often become Shriners and drive little go-carts around during 4th of July parades across America.

Regarding the first two, I don't think many professional country singers know how to keep their big twangy-ass mouths shut. As such, no one would entrust something so important to a country singer.

 

Regarding the go-carts, I think Garth is a little too heavy-set to fit into one of these.

 

Therefore, NO, dear visitor...  IMHO, Garth Brooks is probably NOT a Mason.  I hope that clears this issue up once and for all.